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December 30th, 2004


02:41 am
OMG, I just read that Jerry Orbach from Law & Order died. That makes me sad. I liked him. And I didn't even know he was sick. Apparently he was suffering from prostate cancer.

(3 drops fall | as the tears drip down her face)

December 28th, 2004


02:05 pm - Another random tidbit.
So most people have heard about the 9.0 earthquake in Asia that happened yesterday, but I was browsing BBC and discovered that there was another earthquake in Antarctica that happened on the 24th that was an 8.1 on the Richter scale. There were 2 major earthquakes within 3 days of each other. Crazy. No one got hurt in the Antarctica one, but maybe 100,000 people or MORE are going to die from the Asia one. They are both such suck deaths - drowning quickly or dying slowly from some painful disease. And so many tourists were there because of the holidays and because it is winter, but it is currently warm in Asia. (Not that I would prefer that natives died instead, but maybe the death count would've been lower if less people were there at the moment.)
Current Music: James - Laid

(1 drop falls | as the tears drip down her face)

01:49 pm - Interesting, huh? I mean, how many girls take dance classes when they are little? A LOT.
Anorexia linked to child dancers


Children who dance are more at risk of having eating disorders like anorexia when they grow up, research has found.

It is believed to be the first time a link has been found with dancing for pleasure as a child and such problems.

The researchers said the study suggests "participation in dance as a young girl has a long term effect on a woman's eating behavior".

The study, by psychiatrists at the University of Minnesota, is published in the Journal of Sleep Research.

"Once youngsters become aware of how they look it can become quite a consuming interest."
Steve Bloomfield  
Previous studies have found eating disorders are more common in professional ballet dancers, as well as elite athletes.

Eating disorders are a serious problem in the UK. It is estimated that at least 165,000 people, mostly women, are affected and that one in 10 will die as a result of their condition.

Both anorexia, which involves starving the body of food and bulimia, a cycle of starving and bingeing, are closely linked to mental illness. They now account for more deaths among psychiatric patients than anything else.

Media images of super thin models and pop stars are thought to be a major influence on youngsters' eating habits.

Obsessed by appearance

The desire for a perfect body can mean some lose control of their eating habits and become preoccupied with their appearance.

To see if there was any connection between childhood dance and adult eating, researchers recruited 546 women aged from 17 to 55.

Each one was quizzed on whether they had danced in childhood. They also completed special questionnaires designed to measure disordered eating behaviours, body image and signs of depression.

Just under two-thirds of the women said they had danced when they were children.

The results showed dancers displayed more bulimic behaviour, were more worried about their weight and had greater desire for perfect looks.

"Although there were no significant differences between dancers and non-dancers on current body mass index, results showed dancers had a smaller ideal, or preferred, body mass," the researchers said.

'Considerable pressure'

Steve Bloomfield, spokesman for the Eating Disorders Association, said it was aware that children in certain areas of dance, particularly ballet, are put under considerable pressure to be thin and have the perfect figure.

Last year, the association produced a booklet called "Your Body Your Risk", aimed specifically at educating young dancers on the risk of developing eating disorders.

"What some people consider to be the perfect weight for a ballet dancer is right on the edge of the danger zone for being anorexic," said Mr Bloomfield.

"Once youngsters become aware of how they look it can become quite a consuming interest."


Current Music: Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter

(3 drops fall | as the tears drip down her face)

December 18th, 2004


02:40 am
When will I learn not to look at pictures of various medical problems online late at night? They are very disturbing, and make it hard for me to sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see the blackened lips of someone with a serious case of cold sores. BLECH!!!!


(Real update coming soon, I promise.)
Current Mood: grossed out

(1 drop falls | as the tears drip down her face)

December 5th, 2004


01:17 am
Yesterday as I was sitting in the bath, bawling my eyes out, I heard "It's the End of the World as We Know It" ...but I didn't feel fine. It was (somewhat) amusing, and VERY appropriate. I even began to laugh through my tears.

Well, it's official. My parents were serious. I will never spend another night in their home. Last night I ended up spending the night at Katie's, so I didn't move in to Drew's until tonight. After work, Katie picked me up and took me to my house, where I finished packing, and said my good-byes...My mom was crying as hard as I was. :'( And then when we left, I was so upset that I made Katie start to cry. Even though tonight wasn't really goodbye, because I need to go back next week to finish packing up all of my crap and move it in to some as-yet-to-be-determined self-storage place, it felt so final. I mean, I am an adult now. And I don't feel any different. Plus, I need to find a place to stay for after the 3 or so weeks Drew is letting me stay with him.

I am VERY seriously considering moving to NY...my best friend and her mother have offered to let me live with them, and it seems like a pretty good option - they are like my second family. Plus, I don't have much going for me here, other than my friends. And if they're true, I'll keep in touch with them. I always pictured myself going back there at some point, and I am at a crossroads in my life anyway...My only concern is that when I moved up to Santa Cruz (only 400 miles away), I didn't do well and had to come home. Of course, things are very different now, and I no longer have a home to go back to, so...should I go for it? Everyone I've talked to has thought that I should, and...it's such a great opportunity, you know?

I'm so overwhelmed. My life has very literally changed overnight. And my brain can catch up. I am just SO grateful that I am lucky enough to have such great friends. (Ones that take me in, and shuttle me around, and help me move, and listen to me cry, and comfort me over and over again, and salvage my birthday, and...I love them so much.) I never thought I would actually have true friends, especially such amazingly wonderful ones. </sappiness>
Current Mood: draineddrained

(1 drop falls | as the tears drip down her face)

December 4th, 2004


12:05 am - *head rush*
Well, tonight after my incredibly sucky day, Katie and Dave saved the day in SO many different ways. First they picked me up from work. Then they gave me a really cute brthday card and a BEAUTIFUL necklace. After that, we went out to dinner at my favorite late-night spot - Denny's!!! They listened to me bitch and moan as much as I wanted to. (They have strong listening skills, believe me.) Then, after dinner, we were dropping Dave off at his car when I mentioned that I needed some birthday kisses...from both of them. So we get back to the Oxy parking lot, where Dave's car is, and Kaite leans me up against his car and kisses me. Then, Dave gives Katie a hug, then gives me one before looking all shy with his hands in his pockets and says, "Wait, am I supposed to snog her too?" Katie and I look at each other..."YES!" So he wraps his arms around me and gives me a DAMN good kiss. So Katie feels the need to compete, bends me over, and kisses me again. By this time my head is reeling. I have not one but TWO people quite interested in kissing me. So Katie's was pretty amazing too. but here comes the really great part. Dave feels a need to one up her, and proceeds to give me one of the best kisses I've ever had (yeah, there haven't been that many. but this was gooooood). So Katie trys to beat him, but as that was near impossible, didn't succeed. realizing that they had left me quite speechless, Dave went on his was and Katie and I proceed to her house, where I am spending the night. Needless to say, the latter part of the night made my birthday MUCH better. *big grin* I am quite happy right nw, and still relatively speechless. And I have never had two people competing over kissing me - lemme tell you, it is quite a nice feeling. (What a birfday present, huh?) I like kisses.
Current Mood: giddygiddy

(as the tears drip down her face)

December 3rd, 2004


03:44 pm - FUCK
The guy who was supposed to cover for me at work today didn't show, and my name is on the schedule, so I just got called - I have to go in. And I am gonna be like 2 1/2 hours late, and get in major trouble, plus I am not done packing. I needed to have some FUN tonight to alleviate the utter crappiness that this birthday is turning into. And all day I haven't been able to stop crying. I look like crap, and I am miserable. And this is a really bad entry. Sorry.

I'd prefer to quit then go and face the trouble I am going to be in...especially today. I just can't handle more shit.
Current Mood: bawling

(as the tears drip down her face)

03:19 am - Hehe, when I am in the pits of despair, I get prolific...sowwy.
Dear Mom and Dad,

Today is one of the saddest days of my life. I know it must not be easy on you either. And I do regret that I have made it harder by rubbing it in your faces so much. But can't you see that I needed to regain some control over this fucked up situation? I mean, kicking your only daughter out of the house when she is in the middle of a really dark time? (Admittedly, I have been in this dark time for 2 1/2 years now...) I realize how tired you have gotten of digging me out of the many scrapes I fall into by not being able to juggle my life very well, I just don't think that this was the best way to teach me to be more independent. I feel like when I wake up in the morning, I am going to be completely on my own. Without the people I've had supporting me (albeit quite badly/negatively at times) for the past 19 years. I love you guys, and despite all of the verbal abuse, and driving me into a deep depression, making me feel like I am never good enough, sending me on the path towards an eating disorder, I'm gonna miss you. But I don't know if once I am no longer living in your house, with no support for school and uncertain financial support for rent or medical care, I can continue to have much contact with you. There is too much built-up anger and hurt. The people who I was certain would always be there for me, even when no one else was, have betrayed my faith in them. Considering how badly you wanted children, especially multiple kids, you have turned out to be quite sucky in many areas of the parenting department. I do know that you love me, but for the next little while, I think you've pretty much alienated me. Maybe when I am "older and more mature," I can get past this and repair our estrangement (although I think that being self-sufficient beginning on my 19th b-day will help me along the path of maturation relatively quickly), but right now there is just too much crap in-between us. I'm so sorry for whatever I did to make you this fed up with me. I must be pretty damn good at being a bad child, huh? Well, thank you for giving me such a nice and comfortable life these past 19 years. While it hasn't prepared me very well for what's to come, I appreciate the fact that I have had the opportunity to lead such a sheltered and pampered life. And yes, despite it all, I will miss you both a lot.

with love (from somewhere within the anger and hurt),
Rikki
Current Mood: does (more) crying count?

(as the tears drip down her face)

02:52 am - Why haven't the sedating drugs kicked in yet?
There are so many lasts occurring recently (especially today)/And there will be so many firsts starting with today
So much to look forward to/And so much to regret
...I don't know what to feel
Current Mood: the only feeling I can identify is sad

(as the tears drip down her face)

02:21 am - The birthday card my parents gave me

DEC '04


Rique
You are our beloved daughter. Forever. Happy
birthday. »« M'om



Rik'ki
We will love you forever. You're always our favorite.

D'd

(as the tears drip down her face)

01:22 am - happy birthday to me?
Well, as of 1 hour and 22 minutes ago, it is my birthday. I am now 19. Despite what a boring age it is, I should be excited, right? I mean, today is a day to celebrate ME!!! But birthdays are not traditionally such a great day for me. Until the age of 12, I cried or had a temper tantrum and a horrible day every year. On my sixth birthday, I remember hiding under the table at my Swan Lake birthday party and biting my mom's ankle. Yeah, I have a history of bad birthdays. Then, as I got older, they got better. For my 16th(?) birthday, my parents threw me a surprise party. Not that many people were there, but it was still sooo cool that someone thought of me, and planned stuff out in advance. Two of my friends made me a scrapbook with pictures of a bunch of people from Drama. Heh, good memories.

But this year, I've been dreading my birthday. Because I am going to wake up tomorrow morning a full-fledged adult. In theory, it happens on your 18th birthday, but...I've always been a late bloomer. *half-smile* And yet, I still feel so young. I have one last night in my bed, in the house that I have lived in for the past 8 1/2 years, with the people I have depended on for the past 19 years. As of tomorrow, I am not going to have them to bail me out anymore. I can never sleep in this house again (...really, it's in the rules). I've been dreading today for over 2 months now, and it's finally here. And it still hasn't really sunk in. I haven't even started packing. I have no idea what I am taking to Drew's. Or how to reduce my life into few enough boxes to fit into a storage space. Or that this is really the end of my childhood. Everyone (well, Drew, Laura, Aaron, Soda) thought that my parents wouldn't actually be serious. That until they changed the locks and took away my key, I would still have a place to live. And they did extend my deadline for clearing all of my stuff out of my room - until next weekend - but...they were serious about me leaving. I'm not used to that. They've always budged or softened on the really big things (like kicking their only daughter out of the house forever). But not this time, I guess.

Sorry if I'm depressing anyone, or leaving them unable to say anything (I have an uncanny ability in that area), but this is a post in my journal, on my special day, about a very important and scary period in my life. So all I can say is DEAL. If you're too freaked out, go away. I'm all alone in this anyway. I shouldn't really be sharing all of this, because being too open about my problems always gets me in trouble, but I need to get it out somewhere.

Fuck. I don't want to be crying today. I don't want this to be yet another miserable birthday in my short history. But I have a feeling it is gonna be a pretty stressful day. I don't even know if the plans I wanted to have with my friends are gonna work out - they're all so busy with their own lives. Plus, in case you couldn't tell, I'm not all that fun to be with lately, so why would they want to spend what little down-time they have with me? [sigh] Which I totally understand. I'm just being bratty and selfish. I should probably get off of that train and onto the big "I'm an adult" one now. So, it's off to self-medicate and sink into a (hopefully) numb slumber.
Current Mood: scared shitless
Current Music: *sniffle*

(1 drop falls | as the tears drip down her face)

December 2nd, 2004


12:49 am - my day... in lower case and badly punctuated
my day was so bad because:
i was supposed to have a therapy appt this morning, but she never called, so i overslept, and rushed out of the house, still missing the bus, and losing my wallet in the process. then, i was supposed to get a replacement driver's license, but couldn't pay for it because i had no money. plus, i had JUST bought a bus pass for this month (i never ever got to use it!). last night i left my phone at work, so i had to go there to pick it up, but then i left because i didn't think i could make it through the day. but before leaving, i collected a few bucking in the "help get rikki home" fund, because on my way to work, the bus drivers were being really bitchy about letting me ride for free. i gave them my whole story, and they were like, "so it'll be $1.25." grrrrr. even the fact that i was bawling didn't seem to help. and i'm sick...again


all of this happened before 1pm, so i spent the rest of the day sleeping/feeling like crap. i hope tomorrow is better.
Current Mood: my head hurts. and i think i have a fever

(2 drops fall | as the tears drip down her face)

December 1st, 2004


03:19 pm
THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST FUCKING MORNING EVER!!!

For one, I lost my wallet...again. (I lost it in the middle of September, too.)



And that's not the only thing I lost. I've been crying for most of the morning. My birthday/deadline is in 2 days, and I am losing my sanity. I'm detaching, and I'm panicking, and how the FUCK did I manage to lose my wallet again. SHIT!

And I'm sick again for the third time in the past 2 months, so not only do I feel crappy inside, I feel crappy outside too.
Current Mood: save me

(as the tears drip down her face)

November 30th, 2004


03:54 am - I have just SERIOUSLY grossed myself out...
while looking at pictures of athlete's foot/ringworm, both of which I think I have. Oy.

Why is my body falling apart? Everything just has to happen at once, huh? Once I get stressed, my immune system goes down, and...[sigh]
Current Mood: ew!

(2 drops fall | as the tears drip down her face)

02:44 am - Holy shit!
It is 38 degrees outside...

and this is Southern California.

(Today the high was supposed to be 60 degrees)

le sigh
Current Mood: freezing my ass off

(as the tears drip down her face)

November 26th, 2004


02:28 am - I may die laughing - this is SO perfect for me
      
irritable bowel syndrome is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

Current Mood: amusedamused

(as the tears drip down her face)

November 25th, 2004


02:12 pm - Last night was...
Seeing Aaron for the first time in forever
Losing my hookah virginity
Denny's late at night
talking, and smoking, and laughing
(somewhat awkward)

...just like old times.


Y'know what I realized, though? The summer of '03 (after my senior year), when I spent practically all of my time with Aaron, was pretty much the high point of my life. It's all been downhill from there. And I know that I have a long life ahead of me, with plenty of time for more good times, blah blah blah, but it made me sad. Because I am never gonna get that particular high point back. It'll never be the same. I don't know if it was so great because I was with someone I was in love with; or because of all of the freedom - no curfew, a car whenever I wanted it, a HUGE amount of money saved up; or because I had just graduated, and there was so much to look forward to in the near future - a new start up in Santa Cruz, I was going to a pretty good college (when for a while it was doubtful if I would even graduate high school)...it was probably a combination of all of the above. Regardless, it was amazing. I want that back. We were all so carefree that summer. So young, but we felt so old. So mature...we were just babies. I want to be that carefree again. A week from now marks the beginning of my life as an adult. I am going to hold a full-time job for the rest of my life. I am not going to have anyone to depend on other than myself. I am going to be all grown up. How things change, huh?
Current Mood: I want a time machine
Current Music: still KROQ

(1 drop falls | as the tears drip down her face)

01:53 pm - Thanksgiving
Well, I gave in...I'm going to Thanksgiving at my aunt's house. I wanted to see my little cousins, and my grandparents, and...I dunno, I have a week left as a member of my family. I figured I might as well use it to get free food.

Speaking of Thanksgiving...HAPPY TURKEY DAY, EVERYONE. I hope you all eat lots and get really fat full. Hehe.

You know what I am most thankful for? My friends. (Many of whom are going to read this at some point.) You've all come out and shown so much support and faith in me. Words cannot convey how much I appreciate it. Pretty soon you guys will be all that I have. Some of you are already like my family. So, thanks. Thanks for all the times you've cheered me up, and given me hugs, and picked me up from work, and listened to me bitch, moan, and complain. And thanks for your love. I love you all so much. I hope you have a wonderful day. (I hope I make it through today.)
Current Mood: where's the yummy food? and when do we eat?
Current Music: KROQ Rock of the '90s Block Party Weekend

(as the tears drip down her face)

November 22nd, 2004


01:28 am - I like how I wanted to be asleep <*goes and checks*> 25 minutes ago...
Well, I just talked to Drew, and he says I can still stay there.

Phew...I guess.

(Why am I not excited about having a place to go for a little while?)
Current Mood: relievedrelieved?

(1 drop falls | as the tears drip down her face)

12:59 am - You tell me not to worry...I do nothing *but* worry.
I like how totally I have screwed myself over for Thanksgiving. See, I decided a while ago that I didn't want to have it with my parents this year (not only are they not giving me a whole lot to be thankful for right now, but we were going to have it with my family, my grandparents, my aunt and her family, and then her husband's brother and his in-laws...that's a bit too much WAY extended family for me, especially because I am developing a severe phobia of people lately), and I figured I'd find something to do. Louis had said he'd ask his parents if I could come...but then we broke up, and that plan kinda went out the window. Various other people have offered to ask, but nothing has ever come of it, and I don't want to bug them, or impose on anyone. Aaron asked his parents, which I was actually kind of excited about, because I miss his family, but they are going away. Of course, I could always tell my parents that I changed my mind...but being the obstinate little brat that I am, I'd never actually let myself sink to that. Sooooooo, I find myself in a very big hole that I dug. I mean, whatever. It'll be a nice, solitary, introspective day. I'll have plenty of time to pack and wrap my mom's b-day present (as much as I dislike her right now, I gave my dad one, therefore I have to give her one, because I dislike him even more) and bake the cookies I've been promising various people, seeing as how a week after Thanksgiving, I don't know when I will next have access to a kitchen.

[sigh] Yeah, that's the other thing - I still have no idea where I am moving. I haven't found a place yet, but I HAVE to be out of my house by Dec. 3. For a while I had been planning to stay with Drew, but we haven't been talking too much lately, and he didn't seem to eager to have a house-guest, so I wasn't really considering him a possibility anymore. But now I am seriously facing the prospect of being homeless. I'm scared. I don't want to impose on anyone, but if I stay with someone for a while and keep searching for a permanent place, I'm gonna end up imposing, huh?

My parents are really making this everything difficult for me right now.
  • After telling me that they were going to keep my car for when I can drive again (I had just been researching insurance prices, seeing as how I am going to be financially independent now), they have suddenly decided to sell it and since I own half of it, they will place my half of the selling price towards what I owe them from the accident we settled out-of-pocket, and forget about the rest of my debt to them. Which is what I thought they were going to do in the first place, but then they got my hopes up.

  • They keep wavering back and forth on whether or not they are going to help me with rent and medical expenses. If they don't help me, I seriously will NOT be able to afford living on my own. Even with their help, I don't know how I am going to do it. I am SOOOO tempted to make them sign something saying what they are going to pay for.

  • They don't want me to use their address anymore - not even as my "permanent address," where really important things can be sent. They want me to get a P.O. box. They say they will pay for it for a year. This raises two problems - Can I trust them? And where to get it? I mean, I don't know where I am going to end up living, and yet I need to be able to access this mailbox frequently. That just makes me feel completely root-less. Like I will have NO ties whatsoever to the house I have lived in for the past 8 years. And, for that matter, to my parents. I mean, why am I ever going to want to come back here once I leave?

I am sure that there is more, but I am getting so upset just thinking about even these things that I am going to stop now. Do they realize that they are losing me for a VERY long time, if not forever? They don't act like they even want a child anymore. You know how people talking about their lives changing overnight? That's gonna be me. I am going to wake up on my birthday, and not belong here anymore. I am going to be alone.

Can't anyone see I'm just a lost little girl?
Current Mood: crying

(3 drops fall | as the tears drip down her face)

November 21st, 2004


04:10 am - ever-present nothingness
i want to spin
an infinite being
surrounded by lights
in a city
of darkness

i want to wind down my day
in time to see the sun
rise
and blissfully sleep
as it sets

i want to hold hands
with the one who makes me whole
in a playground
always swinging backwards - into
our youth

i want to lie in his arms
while running along
as-yet-un-paved paths
from one city
to the next

never looking back
always flying high

<just a draft>
Current Mood: creativecreative

(1 drop falls | as the tears drip down her face)

November 20th, 2004


01:13 am - fuck this life...who wants to run away with me and start over?
wow. 3 shots of grand marnier (80 proof), plus a risperdal (to help me sleep) ... all on an empty stomach = rikki being a very fucked up girl with numb lips (haha, katie!)
i was considering drinking more, but i don't want to wake up in the morning with an awful hangover, considering i have to work.
i was also considering going outside and smoking a cigarette, but i already feel pretty woozy as it is, so...ugh, time to go die.

btw, pretty much everything is tingly and/or numb...not just my lips.

********
i don't want to go to work tomorrow.

i don't want to deal with my life...because 2 weeks from today, i am going to be homeless...and also it will be my 19th b-day - what a coincidence! (not!) well, actually, it'll be the day after i turn 19...but at the moment, i don't care that much about technicalities.



[edit:] screw tomorrow morning, i just had another shot, this time of tequila (also 80 proof), but i did eat something. gooooooooooo me!!!
Current Mood: drunkdrunk

(as the tears drip down her face)

November 19th, 2004


12:08 am
OMG. I am going to look at this place tomorrow...I get off of work really early tomorrow (I work 9-5), and wanted to do something, but everyone is busy, so instead I am looking at an apartment and then facing a 2 1/2 hour bus ride back to my house. Needless to say, that is NOT how I wanted my evening to go. *tear*

In other news, I went to this new psychiatrist today, and have been re-diagnosed as bipolar II. There was this "mood disorder test" that I filled out - to be preliminarily diagnosed as having bipolarity, you have to answer yes to 7/13...I answered yes to 12/13. So I am back on meds, after almost 2 months of being off of everything. But this guy seems competent, so I'll see what happens. Cuz the truth is, I don't think I can handle the next few weeks on my own, without a chemical boost. Wow, I feel the med he gave me to help me sleep kicking in, so I am gonna go lie down before I fall over. God, I hope I find the right combination of drugs this time. Otherwise...I don't know what's gonna happen to me...
Current Mood: woozy

(as the tears drip down her face)

November 17th, 2004


02:20 am - I'm playing late-night dress-up games (with makeup!)
Tomorrow morning I go to the DMV to get a duplicate of my license (I've been using my passport as ID for the past 2 months, but I really need my license back, especially for if I ever get my insurance back), and I've been postponing it for various reasons (I wanted to wait to get my braces off because I need to take a new picture), but the time is here to suck it up and go take the damn picture. My last pic was sooooo good that I don't want to take a bad picture that I have to live with for the next 5 years. [sigh] But right now I am stressing about it for a whole different reason - I was talking to this guy on the bus yesterday, and he was saying how there are going to be points on my license because of my accidents. But wouldn't they have notified me? Still, I am majorly stressing, and I told my dad my worries, and he was like "Well, what did you expect?" It's such a typical response from him, but it still is annoying. Oy, I don't want points on my license!!! :o I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning whether that guy was right or not, huh?

I have all of these accumulated "personal days" at work that are going to expire at the end of the year. So today, because I really need to start packing and shit AND I have had a cold for the past 3 weeks AND the past few days my stomach has been really upset, I tried to call work to call out. But because I am the only one who was scheduled to do my job (go-backs) today, and I guess my job is SO fucking critical to keeping the store running (because, you know, they survived for YEARS without any go-back people whatsoever), so the manager I talked to was like, "Well, we need you to come in today, but I guess you can only come in for half the day," and then hung up before I could reply. So I ended up getting the really shitty end of the stick - I still had to go in to work today, but I only got paid for 4.5 hours, rather than a full 8. [sigh] If only I had more guts to speak up on my own behalf.

To end on a positive note, I got a really nice compliment yesterday. Carmen, one of the managers, told me that I needed to get the hell out of go-backs because it is a dead-end position, and she can see me becoming a coordinator in a few months if I moved into a different department. (The hierarchy goes co-wirker, coordinator, assistant manager, manager.) Pretty cool, huh?
Current Mood: draineddrained

(as the tears drip down her face)

November 16th, 2004


02:21 am - My life is imploding...again!
I had forgotten how awful the despair that accompanies depression feels. Lately I've been existing in this mostly-functional state. Things haven't been great, but I've been going to work every day, and getting by. There have even been days when I was happy. But suddenly, I'm falling. Drinking, drugs, smoking, food, pain...it's all just a smoke screen. But at the end of the day (late at night, like it is now), the real problem still exists. And no matter how much running I do (whether in my mind or in reality), the fact of the matter is that in less than 2 weeks, I am not going to have a place to live. I am going to be screwed financially. I haven't even started packing, because the concept that this is REAL...I am REALLY being kicked out, my parents REALLY are fed up with me and don't really want to deal with me anymore...hasn't hit home. And I am afraid that it isn't going to feel REAL until I am on the street.

And, of course, it isn't going to come to me going to a shelter or something...someone will take me in. My parents aren't going to retract my deadline, but so many great friends have come out of the woodwork recently. Even mere acquaintances are being so nice. Maybe it's because this situation is so present in my mind that I can't shut the fuck up about it. It comes up in any conversation I have. And I hate that I have become so depressing to be around again. I mean, I know it's a fucked-up situation, but...the entire world doesn't need to deal with my problems. They're mine - I created/caused them, and therefore they are mine to deal with/fix. I have no idea how I am gonna do it, but I am making them everyone else's problems too, and that's not very fair or nice of me.

People are being so sweet. Everyone is so sympathetic and nice...so why, when surrounded by people who care, do I feel SO alone?! I know no one can go through this torturous journey with me, but that doesn't mean I don't with there was someone out ther who UNDERSTOOD what I am going through right now. Tonight, all I wanted was to be held. No talking was even necessary. In fact, the less talking the better...then I wouldn't be unloading on unwitting people. But I just needed human contact. And there really aren't that many people who would be willing to do that for me right now. One of the people who most recently was willing, I just broke up with and haven't spoken to in a week and a half. And I just started talking to someone again who I really wish was willing, because he used to have the ability to make all of my worries vanish. But that's not gonna happen, and I accept that...I just wish it was different. I wish SO many things were different.

Wow, how things change in a year, huh? A year ago I weighed more, but I was being welcomed back into my parents' house. I had just gotten a car. I had hardly any friends, other than the guy that had just borken up with me, but at least I was talking to him...well, every night, for hours on end. I had one friend, and that meant a lot. I had just gotten the job at The Gap. I was recovering from being thisclose to ODing on my cocktail of mind drugs. I was trying to cope with the fact that I was not ready for college, and all of the accompanying feelings of failure. I couldn't get back my job coaching gymnastics. I still considered Juliet one of my best friends.

And now...well, now I have had my job at IKEA for 6 months (and still going strong); I've lost a bunch of weight; I am off all of my meds completely (although I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist to see about going back on some of them); I don't have a LOT of friends, but I have a group of them who care about me a great deal (...I think); I've still got my car, but now I don't have any insurance; after an exciting email from Juliet saying that she wanted to "talk," I have once again given up hope of repairing our friendship; I feel like I am on the verge of a(nother) nice little stay in Kaiser's Mental Health Center; I have a crazy love/hate relationship with food; after a long break, I am talking to the boy again really frequently; my relationship with my parents seems like it is ruined beyond repair; I am coaching gymnastics again; I am starting school again in January and considering going back to Santa Cruz for next fall; I think about getting trashed often, and act on it every chance I get, (recently) most often alone; and, while I can't remember how I felt about my appearance a year ago, every time I look in a mirror I feel SO amazingly ugly, despite the above-mentioned weight-loss, getting my braces off, no acne, 5 more piercings, and a tattoo.

A year ago I could NEVER have imagined that this would be my life. Hell, even now, facing this reality every day, I can;t believe that this is my life. [sigh] Will somebody PLEASE save me? (Even though I think the only person who can do that is me...maybe.)
Current Mood: ugly

(as the tears drip down her face)

November 14th, 2004


12:23 pm - Is it any wonder why drugs look so appealing?
Fuck. This whole "let's pack my entire LIFE into boxes so that I can move" thing isn't going so well...like it has barely even started. And I need to be DONE way before Dec. 3 so that I can move all of the crap into a self-storage place...one which I still need to FIND.

I'm going through all of my clothes and crap, and rediscovering all of this stuff that I haven't seen in like a year, but I am so excited to find it. But I need to get RID of stuff. Argh!
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: KROQ, baby

(2 drops fall | as the tears drip down her face)

November 13th, 2004


01:08 am - I have liquor on my breath
As soon as my parents went to bed tonight, I went and drank some of the tequila stored in our liquor cabinet. A few minutes after that, I felt "liquid fire" it my belly. Fun times. Except, you know, for the whole drinking alone thing. Today SO did not go the way I wanted it to. I just watched TV all day. But still, why did I let the disappointment shake me so badly? Now I am just completely depressed (and a bit buzzed). I don't get any more time off until a week from now...I feel like a big whiny baby, but I just wanted to have fun today.

[sigh] Nothing is going my way lately.
Current Mood: hopeless

(3 drops fall | as the tears drip down her face)

November 10th, 2004


03:29 am - Being coherent is so overrated
You know, it's so weird. I had just been thinking about how maybe I was finally ready to get the tattoo on my right wrist (to cover the scars). I am so tired of wearing a wristband - I've been wearing one every day since February. I have the worst tan line from it. And it was a really positive step, because getting the tattoo meant that I was finished with cutting. I thought that I didn't need it anymore. Of course, right now I have some other self-destructive impulses going on, but not wanting to add any more scars to my body seemed like a move in the right direction. Well, the past few days have made me reconsider that. I was sitting here just a few minutes ago pondering possible self-destructive things to do right now. I just need to escape...forget about it all for a while. My bottle of Xanax got run over by a car the other day (loong story). All the rest of my pills are in my parents' bathroom. I am in the house with my parents, so I can't go take shots of tequila. And I so want to believe that I CAN do this, I can give up SI...well, the visible part at least. *cries* And I so thought that I was improving, too. I just want someone to hold me right now. But there aren't currently very many people in the world who fit that qualification, and those who do, are asleep.

I just can't do it. I can't handle it all. I am so afraid. I know it's something that I need to do, but it feels like I am standing on the roof of a skyscraper, and rather than walking down the steps, I am leaping off of the top.


Pretty soon, I will write out exactly what is going on. It will be really good for me to get it down on paper, and out of inside of me. But right now, all I want is for the pain to stop. Drew just told me to just get out of here and then move on from all of the shit that's happened recently. And the first thought that occurred to me was, "Move on to what? I don't exactly have a whole lot to look forward to in the next little while." And it's true. I mean, what's coming up in the life of Rikki: Being completely broke, because I am not earning enough to AFFORD living on my own. Not having anyone to guide me on how to pay bills and balance a checkbook, and, hmm, manage my own money. Very possibly living off of Drew's couch for a while as I get rejected from even MORE places that I (keep) getting hopes up about, so that I am not completely homeless. Being completely estranged from the people who I have looked up to for the past 1819 years. My parents reneging on ALL of their promises - saying they'll support me when I want to go back to school; helping me with my rent; paying for my medical stuff for a while longer. I can't trust anything that comes out of their mouths...Not even that they love me, because their actions aren't demonstrating that very well. Take your pick, people. There's more, but I think I've given you some very good choices.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed

(3 drops fall | as the tears drip down her face)

November 2nd, 2004


09:00 am - Today is a very exciting day
Eeeeeeek. I am about to go vote...for the first time ever.

I was supposed to vote in the primaries, but I went into the hospital on that day. Needless to say, there were other more pressing things on my mind. (Like surviving the night.)

I am excited that I am gonna get to participate in such a historic day. (Even though California isn't really an "undecided" state. Hehe.)

[EDIT]: Spike Lee just called to remind me to vote Democratic. Yesterday, apparently Giuliani called, along with someone else. I feel so popular. Hehe. Except, once again, I wonder why they are wasting their money on California.
Current Mood: bouncybouncy

(1 drop falls | as the tears drip down her face)

October 25th, 2004


04:41 am - My stupidity astounds even me
Shit. How did it get so late?
Current Mood: sleepysleepy

(as the tears drip down her face)

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